(no subject)

[featherxquill]

Well, you wanted a bare-all entry, Chris. Perhaps you're going to see me make one.



Families are so fucked up. Went to my Dad's for dinner tonight, like every Tuesday, and some shit errupted about my step-brother bringing his girlfriend home this afternoon and going into his room and closing the door.

I mean, this is a girl he's beong going out with for eighteen months, and my Dad's got a problem with that? I can understand that my Dad doesn't want them going at it in the house when he's around, but restricting it so he cannot even take her into his room and close the door? Doesn't there come a point at which a parent has no control, and you just have to trust people?

It's not the absolute fundamentals of the argument that have me upset, it's the principal of it. The absolute narrow-mindedness that characterises my father, his unwillingness to accept anything that doesn't exist within his narrow view of the world.

It makes me think about what would happen were I to move as far out of that narrow realm of his as I think I will, one day.

I mean, I'm at a point now where I'm not sure what I want. I'm attracted to women, I'm attracted to men, I'm utterly confused about all of that. Usually it doesn't bother me, because I have no desire to label myself of to 'decide' what I should be for the beneft of others. But every now and then I realise that eventually I will have to. Eventually I WILL figure it out, and what if my lifestyle choice is one that doesn't fit within his tiny narrow-minded frame?

As much as I wish I didn't, I care what he thinks. I care about my relationship with him. I do love him. It's easy for me to sit back and say I don't want to label myself, but I know the rest of the world will, and choosing an alternative to 'normal' is not the easy thing I imagined that it could be.

I actually find the idea of pressing 'update' on this entry difficult - the idea of admitting weaknes, mostly. For some reason I have a desire to always appear strong and fearless, that I only really realise when it comes down to telling people how I feel. Don't know where that comes from.

But here it all is, anyway.

Should probably think about that essay now.

Comments

[corvus-coronis.livejournal.com]

I tried to think of something helpful I could say to that, but the best I could come up with was a monologue of my own situation.

I got a big feeling of Deja Vu when reading that - lot of those issues I've seen happen in my own family - and though I don't have the pressure of 'choice' re lifestyle/sexuality, I'm still facing a similar thing with where I want to take my creative work/career. I'm going to have to come out into the open about a lot of things in that area at some point soon, and do so in front of a family that still want a lot of say in what I do (example, I am 38 years old, and I am "forbidden" by them to even consider going interstate to study or look for work).

A lot of what's still tethering me to them is that same concern that you mentioned, I know that there is a lot of insecurity behind this need to control & keep things narrow, and I've seen them react in extreme ways when this shaky sense of security is threatened. Lack of money & services also has a lot to do with it - it's hard to risk alienating one of the few people nearby you can rely on to help you out when you need it - but I'm going to have to work something out soon, because I'm becoming more convinced that letting myself get hemmed in as much as I have is probably one of the reasons I've been stagnating so much - and I know that the only real road out of the cave involves me doing things that they are not going to like ...

[elysianmusings.livejournal.com]

I mean, I'm at a point now where I'm not sure what I want. I'm attracted to women, I'm attracted to men, I'm utterly confused about all of that. Usually it doesn't bother me, because I have no desire to label myself of to 'decide' what I should be for the benefit of others. But every now and then I realize that eventually I will have to. Eventually I WILL figure it out, and what if my lifestyle choice is one that doesn't fit within his tiny narrow-minded frame?

You don't really have to ever decide, hon. I married a man, but I am still openly attracted to women. My husband doesn't mind my attractions as long as I don't act on them. I chose him, not his sex, so don't fret so much over it.

You are by no means weak, dear. My father still doesn't know I'm bisexual and he probably won't find out. It's not his concern. If I had chosen a woman, I would have brought it forward then. Just have faith that he loves you and though he may not approve of your decisions, if he truly loves you he'll accept them.

It'll all come out right in the end. *hugs*

[beatricepeabody.livejournal.com]

I had to deal with (and am still dealing with) the control-freak parent, and once, when I was feeling really horrible about it, one of my professors gave me a very good piece of advice. She said, "You can't control your parents, and you can't control what other people do or say or think. At some point you just have to accept this and let them go."

It isn't easy. People are always going to try and label you. "They" (being that amorphous being that somehow seems to be in everything) will always try to simplify you and make you easy to understand. Being different than the accepted "normal" simply makes you more than what "they" can understand. It doesn't make it easier, at least not for me, but it makes me understand more why I do what I do.

(Okay, I'm preaching at myself a bit here too, but that isn't the point.)

You have a ton of people who care about you for who you are not what category you fit in. Just remember this, and you won't feel like you have to be strong and fearless all the time.

[sir-broodalot.livejournal.com]

That gave me more insight into your head than talking to you for over three hours about my utterly fucked up life. I should shut my mouth and let you talk sometimes... then we'll see more come out.

The fact you pressed the Update button makes you even more adorable. Question is, what's wrong with being human and flawed?

I'd rather like to think you haven't completely given up on men, but whatever you decide, make sure it isn't rushed.

As for society... screw it.